How to: Make Sure People Know You Woke Up at 5am without Sounding Like an Asshole
Because otherwise what's the point of waking up early?
If a tree wakes up in the forest at 4:45am but no one knows about it, then was it even worth waking up at 4:45am? The answer to this age-old question is: no, of course not. Waking up early is only worth it if people know about it.
At the same time, it’s important not to sound too braggy lest people think you’re an asshole. Remember, the point of all of this is to force people into realizing that you are A Good and Productive Person. Manipulation maybe but, like, the good kind of manipulation.
To assist you with the above, I have come up with a few ways to tell people you woke up early without making it obvious that you know you’re better than them.
Instead of saying…
“I got up at 5am while all you lazy asses slept in. Some of us want to experience life, not just watch our lives slip away from behind our oft-closed eyelids. You’re not as good as me, never will be, and it’s important that you know it.”
Try…
“Honestly, I’m jealous of people like you. I wish I could sleep in, but it’s almost like my body intuitively knows I care about being productive. You’re lucky, really.”
“It’s soo hard to get up in the morning because the coffee shops don’t open until I’ve been awake for hours. Hashtag early riser problems.”
It’s imperative to say “hashtag” out loud. It’s pretty on brand for this whole thing.
“Ugh, I slept until 5:45am. I know, so luxurious and self-indulgent, but I gotta give myself a day off every once in a while.”
“It’s really hard to find gym classes that work with my schedule. 7am classes are just too late for me. I want to work out right after I wake up, not 4 hours later…”
Again, a nice way to slip in an extra brag that you’re a Fit PersonTM.
“It’s crazy that it’s only 8am, and yet I’ve already lived an entire day.”
“You wouldn’t know it unless you woke up early, but the sun actually doesn’t rise until after 6am this time of year.”
Or: “It’s hot during the day, but you wouldn’t believe how cold it was this morning before the sun came up.”
“It’s not that I can run on so little sleep. It’s that I know I’ll feel like a bad person if I sleep any more than I already do.”
“The sunrise? You mean my lunch bell?”
“There’s something indescribable about waking up before all the lazy people of the world are awake.”
“I just don’t know how people who wake up after 7am get everything done each day.”
Bonus points for this one because it also signals that you’re a Busy PersonTM.
Let me know if you try any of these and how it goes. Did people seem to like you more? Less?
Hope this helps!
love,
weird pasta
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You made me laugh so hard this morning---as soon as I woke up at 9:15 AM.